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I was waiting in line to register a letter in the post office at Thirty-third Street and Eighth Avenue in
New York.
I noticed that the clerk appeared to be bored with the job—weighing envelopes, handing out stamps,
making change, issuing receipts—the same monotonous grind year after year.
So I said to myself, “I am going
to try to make that clerk like me.
Obviously, to make him like me, I must say something nice, not about myself,
but about him.
So I asked myself, ‘What is there about him that I can honestly admire?’”
That is sometimes a
hard question to answer, especially with strangers;
but, in this case, it happened to be easy.
I instantly saw
something I admired no end.
So while he was weighing my envelope, I remarked with enthusiasm, “I certainly wish I had your head
of hair.”
He looked up, half-startled, his face beaming with smiles.
“Well, it isn’t as good as it used to be,” he
said modestly.
I assured him that although it might have lost some of its pristine glory, nevertheless it was still
magnificent.
He was immensely pleased.
We carried on a pleasant little conversation and the last thing he said
to me was: “Many people have admired my hair.”
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We carried on a pleasant little conversation and the last thing he said
to me was: “Many people have admired my hair.”
I’ll bet that person went out to lunch that day walking on air.
I’ll bet he went home that night and told
his wife about it.
bet he looked in the mirror and said, “It is a beautiful head of hair.”
I told this story once in public and a man asked me afterwards, “What did you want to get out of him?”
What was I trying to get out of him!!! What was I trying to get out of him!!!
There is one all-important law of human conduct.
If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into
trouble.
In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness.
But the very instant
we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble.
The law is this: Always make the other person feel
important.
John Dewey, as we have already noted, said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in
human nature;
and William James said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be
appreciated.”
As I have already pointed out, it is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge
that has been responsible for civilization itself.
You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact.
You want recognition of your true
worth.
You want a feeling that you are important in your little world.
don’t want to listen to cheap,
insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation.
want your friends and associates to be, as Charles
Schwab put it, “hearty in their approbation and lavish in their praise.” All of us want that.
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If, for example, the waitress brings us mashed potatoes when we have ordered French fries, let’s say,
“I’m sorry to trouble you, but I prefer French fries.”
She’ll probably reply, “No trouble at all” and will be glad
to change the potatoes, because we have shown respect for her.
Little phrases such as
“I’m sorry to trouble you,”
“Would you be so kind as to…?”
“Won't you
please?”
“Would you mind?”
“Thank you”—little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of
everyday life—and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.
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Chris taught me a lesson I will never forget—our deep desire to feel important. To help me never forget
this rule, I made a sign which reads “YOU ARE IMPORTANT."
This sign hangs in the front of the classroom
for all to see and to remind me that each student I face is equally important.
“Talk to people about themselves,” said Disraeli, one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled the British
Empire.
“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.”
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It was a sorely needed lesson because I had been an inveterate arguer.
During my youth, I had argued
with my brother about everything under the Milky Way.
When I went to college, I studied logic and
argumentation and went in for debating contests.
Talk about being from Missouri, I was born there.
I had to be
shown.
Later, I taught debating and argumentation in New York; and once, I am ashamed to admit, I planned to
write a book on the subject.
Since then, I have listened to, engaged in, and watched the effect of thousands of
arguments
. As a result of all this, I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to
get the best of an argument—and that is to avoid it.
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In the beginning, it was a very simple one.
Whenever he met a new acquaintance, he found out his or
her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business and political opinions.
He fixed all these
facts well in mind as part of the picture, and the next time he met that person, even if it was a year later, he was
able to shake hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the backyard.
No wonder he
developed a following!
One of the great listeners of modern times was Sigmund Freud.
A man who met Freud described his
manner of listening, “It struck me so forcibly that I shall never forget him.
He had qualities which I had never
seen in any other man.
never had I seen such concentrated attention.
There was none of that piercing ‘soul-penetrating gaze’ business.
His eyes were mild and genial.
His voice was low and kind.
His gestures were few.
But the attention he gave me, his appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly, was extraordinary.
You've no idea what it meant to be listened to like that.”
If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise
you, here is the recipe:
Never listen to anyone for long.
Talk incessantly about yourself.
If you have an idea
while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish:
bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.
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So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener.
To be interesting, be interested.
ASK questions that other persons will enjoy answering.
Encourage them to talk about themselves and their
accomplishments.
You can’t win an argument.
You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.
Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is
non compos mentis.
Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior.
You
have hurt his pride.
will resent your triumph. And…
A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
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This tax inspector was demonstrating one of the most common of human frailties.
He wanted a feeling
of importance;
and as long as Mr. Parsons argued with him, he got his feeling of importance by loudly asserting
his authority.
but as soon as his importance was admitted and the argument stopped and he was permitted to
expand his ego, he became a sympathetic and kind human being.
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Buddha said, “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,” and a misunderstanding is never ended by
an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.
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In other words, don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary.
Don’t tell them they
are wrong, don’t get them stirred up.
Use a little diplomacy.
PRINCIPLE 2
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You're
wrong. .
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